Going nowhere
by Absolutely Indecisive
Summary: "God knows he wanted something, anything to hold onto. Someone to tell him that he wasn't a disgrace" Remus struggles with not making the same mistake twice. One Shot


**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**This is my first fanfic so constructive criticism welcome but please no flames**

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"Do you believe in magic Olivia?" Remus asked softly in the darkness, his eyes focused on the blonde sitting opposite him, her face lit up by the fireflies around them. Olivia had her hand up in the air and was playing with a firefly, watching how it's small light was shadowed by her hand.

"What sort of magic?" She asked back, raising her eyes to see him silhouetted against the trees behind them. "Is it magic that makes fireflies glow? Magic that makes stars shine? or is it science?"

A slow smile slid across her face, as she watched the firefly. "Science?" Remus prompted and he smiled despite himself.

"Yeah" Olivia laughed "But magic is much more exciting don't you think? Much better, more fantastical somehow"

Remus thought of all the pranks he and the marauders had played, all the spells gone wrong and of every full moon, when he turned into a monster. He thought of his wild friends and of his professors. Yes magic was much more exciting. Then Olivia was talking again.

"But I suppose magic is everything we don't understand, like how, after 23 years my father still looks at my mother as if he can't quite believe she is still there. Thats gotta be magic, right?"

Again her eyes raised to Remus' face and this time she really saw him, he looked older than her though they were the same age, but then he smiled widely at her, only her and she saw the same child that used to explore these very woods with her. The little boy who had stayed up all night with her to try and catch a firefly, the person who shared her childhood, and then went away to that school, the school that changed him, the school she has secretly come to hate.

Remus thought about her words and knew them to be true, it still amazed him how his friends stuck by him even though they knew exactly what he was, "Now that I believe" he told her, "And what about magic with wands?"

"Wands? Like magic tricks?" Now she was mystified, what was he getting at? But then again Remus had always been like that even when they were little, he had been a very knowledgeable child and had time after time blown her brain with his theories, facts and ideas, she would always say that she would ask her dad if he was lying. And he would laugh and tell her to go ahead, but she never did because at the end of the day she trusted him and if Remus said the world was round then it probably was, and if he wanted to talk about magic then there was a reason, some sort of point he wanted to make. It was the first time they had spoken for years and Olivia swore to herself that she would not mess it up.

"Sort of, not so much magic tricks, but real magic, like turning a stone into a firefly, that kind of thing." Remus sighed, he didn't want to freak her out, but he felt as though he owed her some sort of explanation as to why he hadn't spoken to her for a long time.

"Have you ever seen anyone turn a stone into a firefly Remus?"

"Yes, I have."

His answer was short and to the point, and as soon as the words left his lips he wished he could take them back. He glanced at her face and for the first time that evening he had Olivia's undivided attention, no longer was she playing absentmindedly with a firefly, her big blue eyes were on his face, a small frown placed on her features, as if she were trying to work out if he was being serious.

Her mouth opened as if she was going to say something, and then closed again, Olivia racked her brains to find something to say and came up blank. The silence between them lengthened but neither made an attempt to fill it. Remus looked at the rock they sat on, avoiding her gaze, and Olivia did the opposite, as always. She stared at him as if he were some unsolved mystery, and in a way he was. Remus had once been the one person she knew as well as she knew herself. Now he was a stranger sitting before her, that thought saddened her, and made her heart feel heavy.

He was here asking her if she believed in magic, did she? The plain truth was that she wanted to. Olivia was not a person who had to be shown endless amounts of proof to persuade, she was more than willing to believe in something just because she liked the idea of it, but magic?

"You have?"

Remus looked up, slightly taken aback, he hadn't expected her to reply, let alone consider the possibility. He had spent the past few minutes mentally kicking himself for being an idiot, they had spent the last few years not talking and he had missed her, sure he had the other marauders but Olivia was different, a muggle but yet so much more magical.

"Yes" His whisper settled in the tense atmosphere between them, he was unwilling to raise his voice any louder. Remus felt like he was walking on egg shells, one wrong step and the whole thing would shatter, and then she would run from him and never look back.

"Really?" Then Olivia did something he never expected, she smiled, as though the thought of turning a stone into a firefly was a fantastic thing. As though she could thing of nothing better, "I ... I don't know .. if your joking - "

"I'm not joking Olivia, I wouldn't, not right now." Remus bit his lip, there were a hundred things he wanted to say and yet he couldn't find the right words. He had no idea where to start.

And yet that was not a problem, Olivia had always believed Remus' theories and even now she trusted him. "I still don't get it," then it struck her, the sudden thought that came from nowhere, "Can you turn a stone into a firefly?" her voice was soft, and Olivia didn't know if she wanted an answer, what if he said yes? What if he said no?

"Would you believe me if I said yes?" Remus couldn't believe this, Olivia was sitting with him, days after a full moon and she almost believed in magic, he could see it in her eyes, how much she wanted to believe. He knew it was wrong, he knew it was going to hurt her, and not only was it against the law but it was a horrible thing to tell her, but he couldn't help himself, he wanted her to understand. Wanted her to know that despite everything he still cared for her, didn't want her to be afraid of him.

"Yes, I think I would."

"You think?" He murmured back, softly as though she were a frightened animal.

"Yes, maybe" Olivia laughed softly in the gentle light of the rising sun, she wondered if it would make a difference? If he could turn a stone onto a firefly, does that change him? The answer came to her as soon as the question was asked, no it would not change anything. A silence grew once again but this time not quite as severe, more the gentle break on conversation, and then Olivia gathered her wits about her and asked: "Will you show me?"

Without speaking Remus pulled his wand from his pocket and held it up for her to see. Olivia watched, her eyes fixed on the piece of wood in his hand,

"Find me a stone then, any one it doesn't matter."

Olivia got up from her seat on the rock and looked around on the mossy floor, she moved a little way from him and Remus could see her face as clearly as if she stood in front of him. She moved around the clearing, finding a stone and then rejecting it for some unknown reason. Remus couldn't help but smile at her well know antics and waited patiently for her. Eventually she found a pebble that she liked, a soft gray colour, rounded and could fit snugly in the palm of Remus' hand. She handed it to him and watched, trying to anticipate what was going to happen next.

Remus took a deep breath and then with a flick of his wand the pebble vanished and was transfigured into a firefly. Olivia's jaw dropped. Silently they both watched as the little firefly drifted off to join the swarm of them. Not one of the fireflies picked up on the fact that this one was different, that, until a few moments ago this particular fire fly had been a perfectly ordinary pebble. And now, thanks to Remus, he was a living breathing firefly.

Olivia didn't know what to do, she slowly sank back down onto the rock she was sharing with Remus.

"Wow" her whisper echoed softly in the still clearing, Remus watched her praying to anyone who would hear, praying that she wouldn't run. She didn't. Of cause not, this was Olivia he was talking to. He watched as a small smile made it's way onto her face, then that small smile became grin and then she laughed. "Wow, I ... I don't ... I wasn't expecting" And then she laughed loudly, a sound that was oddly startling in the quiet, but a sound that made Remus' heart lighten when he heard it none the less.

Remus couldn't help but smile at her bemused smile, grin at her eager eyes and laugh at her bewildered face.

Again he took a deep breath and said " Olivia have you ever heard of hogwarts?"

"Is that an animal?" She teased gently, knowing that she was going to get the explanation she was looking for, and loving every second of it.

Remus laughed, more at ease than she had seen him in years "No, it's a school"

"A school?"

"My school"

"Your school? You mean the boarding school?' Olivia frowned, she didn't like to think of that, it was like a club that Remus was a part of and she wasn't. It was the school that changed him, not necessarily for the worse she reasoned, just changed him, made him different, changed him from the little boy she knew into the haunted man in front of here.

Because he was haunted, she could tell, no matter how many times she got him to smile of to laugh, when all the worry lines faded out of his face and he became the teenager he was. He was still haunted, only an echo of the relaxed little boy who used to laugh with her. Something changed. Something happened that made him pull away from her. Something, it was blatantly obvious now, had hurt him then and continued to hurt him now.

And suddenly it didn't matter if he could turn a rock into a firefly, it made no difference to her. Olivia wanted to know what changed. What happened to him. It made her feel ill, sick to the core to know that something was hurting him still, and he hadn't come and confided in her, he hadn't let her make it better like he had done for her countless times, whenever she tripped or someone said something that hurt her, he had always been there, before this school and before it happened. Whatever it may be.

She felt like she'd failed him. Him, her best friend was suffering and she had done nothing about it. "What happened Remus?"

Remus had watched the change in her face with confused eyes. A second ago she was laughing at the firefly he had transfigured, and now? Now he didn't know, Had she just brushed it aside? No she couldn't have, but what?

"What do you mean what happened? I turned a stone into a firefly."

Olivia shook her head looking at him with intense blue eyes. "No. I mean What happened to you?"

"To me?" Remus didn't like the way the conversation was going. It was brushing to close to his, 'condition' the one that she knew nothing about. So what was she talking about?

But Remus then remembered one thing, one tiny detail that had previously slipped his mind: Olivia was observant. Always had been, probably always would be. And she'd picked up on the one thing that hundreds of witches and wizards alike had missed, save for four: he was slightly different. Too thin, too tired, too mature for his age. Too sickly to be realistic. He was a werewolf.

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That was the moment that shaped him into the wind beaten man he is today. When Olivia Williams saw in him the monster that lurked there. The day she worked it all out. The dam that protected his heart broke and everything spilled out for the world to hear. Thankfully, it was just her in the clearing - but even that was too much for him.

Words cannot describe the feelings he felt while he bared his heart to her. Euphoria, delight and a relief that made him feel like flying. But afterwards a despair that came from his very soul. That she knew. That she knew everything. He couldn't bear feeling so vulnerable.

It ate at him, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, his mother was frantic with worry. Until it came to the point where he just couldn't bear it any longer, the point to which, out of desperation he committed a crime that will always be his biggest regret. He took her memory. The memory of that night, of all his secrets, thoughts and feelings. He took them and never gave them back.

He had climbed into her bedroom through the open window. Snuck in as quiet as a ghost, he had watched her sleep as the minutes slipped by, feeling uncannily like a stalker, yet unwilling to move. Remus' hand had trembled as he reached out and held his wand to her temple.

A flash of blue light and the memory was gone.

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Of course he regretted it the moment he had returned to his own bed, and it bothered him until school started. Until he was able to immerse himself in the heavy workload and use Sirius' buoyant humour as a distraction. If the others ever noticed they didn't let him know it, an act that he was incredibly grateful for.

Just when he felt like he was pulling himself together again the world went to hell.

Deatheaters, murder and grief were things that they all coped with daily. Fighting for the rights of those who couldn't fight for them selves. The world grew darker and their lives spiraled out of control. Needless to say it was years before he thought of Olivia Williams again.

But he did think of her again. One day he was unceremoniously reminded of her. He had stood in line at a muggle supermarket near where he had lived as a child. She had simply walked through the door, and he recognised her immediately. Time had done her justice and she looked just as bright and fresh as she had done when they were children. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her and, as though she felt them watching her she looked up and met his gaze. Olivia smiled at the tired stranger in front of her and turned her attention to the small child tugging at her skirt.

_She didn't recognise him._

"Of course not" Remus thought to himself "You erased her memory remember?" He watched as she shopped until the cashier woman coughed impatiently and he was forced back to reality. He paid for his goods and left slowly, wondering if he had missed out on something yet not able to put his finger on what.

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As he watched Tonks sleep in the darkness he now knew what he had missed out on. Companionship, friendship ... maybe love? He grasped his bag once more and prepared to leave, glancing back at Tonks one more time, with Harry's words echoing around his head:

"_I don't know, Hermione, I'm pretty ashamed of him right now" _

God knows he wanted something, anything to hold onto. Someone to tell him that he wasn't a disgrace, that they were not ashamed of him. Someone to look at him the way Lily once looked at James. He sighed and dropped the bag, it hit the floor with a soft thud. If there was one thing Remus Lupin prided himself on it was not making the same mistake agin, although he had failed that in recent months. He loved Tonks - so much it scared him - and all the fight had drained out of him.

It was in that dark room on that early morning that he decided to let Tonks make her own choices, and if she wanted him (and he was pretty sure she did) then she could have him. No more rejections, no more running away. He stood there stunned for a moment and then smiled tiredly.

Feeling lighter than he had in months he pulled off the thin jumper and tugged off his shoes.

"Remus" Her soft voice broke the silence suddenly, making him jump.

"Yes?"

"Where are you going" She sat up in alarm, panic evident in her voice and he knew if he could see her face, it would be twisted in alarm.

"Nowhere" He whispered reassuringly, heading back to bed. He sat on the edge and felt for her in the darkness. "Absolutely Nowhere"

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**I'm sorry if some parts didn't make sense, I've had this scene in my head for ages and have only just put it down on paper.**

**Please review x **


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